Happy, but cheating.

During the day, while I am work, and most evenings my happy nicotine patch has been tiding me over.  But every few days, I've been dipping into a pack.  This week I smoked a pack, except the one that is still in there taunting me.  This is because I haven't been able to stop fixating on the evil smokes, and if I let my myself go ahead and smoke once in a while, and my brain knows that I will let myself do that, then I can let it go and get my brain back in order.  Does that make sense?  I know from experience, however, allowing myself to do that, does not actually make me a quitter.  And over time, even if I quit smoking altogether in the next little while, if I do it by telling myself I can smoke if I really want/need to, then I will start smoking again eventually.

So I'm a bit adrift.  Which is why I chose the photo at the left, taken after our sandbar trip lunch during our barracuda fishing trip in Belize.  Wasn't at all adrift during the Belize trip.  I got to dive, and eat, and fish, and smoke all I want, even inside the clubhouse there.  Everyone on that island was a smoker, not exaggerating, and most of them were from the U.S.  I thought I was in some sort of Twilight Zone version of heaven.  It was awesome. 

Next week I have an appointment with a physician to try the Chantix.  You know, the drug I discussed many posts back that I was hesitant to try because of the increased risk of depression and suicidal thoughts.  But, on the upside in order to take the drug I have to start smoking again for a couple of weeks so that my nicotine receptors can be re-trained.  Today, I am not smoking.  Hopefully not tomorrow too.  I am not giving up on quitting, I promise.  Never surrender!!